For the couple, to work through with the pastor. Fill it in each on your own, without consulting each other, then compare. It's not a grade · it's a mirror.
Confidential. Nothing is sent or stored online: your answers stay in this browser. On a shared device, remember to "Clear all" afterwards. Print the sheet to take to the pastor.
Part AWhere does each of you stand?
For each statement: A for the first parent, B for the second. Four levels · Not yet (untouched), Started (on the surface), Under way (well advanced), Settled (said, worked through, resolved).
Four questions on listening
Listening is the nerve of everything else.
What this brings to light
To work on · the statements rated low (Not yet / Started):
· fill in A and B to see your topics appear.
Your gaps · where A and B diverge clearly:
·
A high number everywhere proves nothing if the conversation hasn't happened. These are your topics to bring to the pastor.
No statement asks you to rate your own fairness toward the children: we do not assess our own justice reliably. That is the object of Part B.
Part BStaying balanced between the children on both sides
The natural trap is to lean toward your own children (like Jacob with Joseph, David with his sons). The goal is not perfect equality, but fairness: the same justice, the same care, without favoritism.
Open your eyes to how you actually handle it
Don't trust your impression of being fair · look at your acts. Each fills in their own (print two, or fill in turns). The gap between the two columns is your blind spot.
Area
My children
My spouse's children
The reversal test · before reacting
Before defending, excusing or deciding, ask yourself: if it were my spouse's child who had said or done that · would I react the same? Would I excuse it as much? Would I defend it with the same energy? Would I give as much time, attention, patience? If your answer changes, you are leaning. Rebalance.
Warning signs · you are leaning if…
you defend your child reflexively, before having listened;
you excuse the coldness of yours but judge the other's;
you give more time, money, presence to your own;
you take your child's side against your spouse, especially in public;
you care for the one who welcomes and neglect the one who resists, or the reverse.
Outside oversight · indispensable
A bias is invisible from the inside. Make a pact: each authorizes the other · and the pastor · to say "there, you're leaning toward yours," without reprisal or sulking, with an agreed neutral word, never to humiliate in front of the children.
Part CWhen the children encroach on the couple
Loving your adult children does not forbid protecting your couple. "A man leaves… and holds fast" (Genesis 2:24): the couple is the first unit, it has a right to a space that no one, not even a child, encroaches on. It is the biological parent who sets the limit for their own children, presented as a "we."
The encroachment-meter · Part 1: the couple encroached upon
Check what is true right now (each on your own; the gap between you speaks too).
Protected0–1
Cracks2–3
Overrun4–5
Swamped6+
Check the boxes to locate yourself.
This is not a grade or a diagnosis · a marker to locate and discuss. A real crisis (Part D) is not measured here: a child in distress is not an intruder.
Part 2: my share as a parent
These boxes do not measure your children · they name your leaning, the only thing you have any hold on. For each box checked: name it without justifying yourself, put it to the reversal test, tell your spouse yourself, take one action this week, and ask to be corrected.
Our couple pact · to fill in now, calmly
Part DWhen a child goes through a real crisis
Part C is for the child who monopolizes out of habit · not for a child in a true trial (job loss, separation, illness). There, we open and help. Never use the couple-protection tools to turn away a child in distress. Two errors to avoid: closing on principle (betraying the child) and opening without a frame out of guilt (undoing the couple). Scripture commands both: bearing one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2) and caring for one's own (1 Timothy 5:8).
Our crisis-welcome frame · to set together, in advance
Part EScenarios
Read each one and say together what you would do. The suggested track orients, it does not decide · it's your agreement that counts.
"Positioning survey and balance tool" · preparing a (re)marriage in a blended family. Answers kept only on your device; nothing is sent. Biblical texts: Genesis 2:24; Galatians 6:2; 1 Timothy 5:8.